Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
