Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
