I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
