Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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