The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
