I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
