So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize