I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
