She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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