I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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