I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
