hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
