Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize