So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
