When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize