If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
