He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
