On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
