I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My ass is underappreciated
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
