I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
BRING THE BAGELS
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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