what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
