i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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