Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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