I can feel you judging me through the phone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
