Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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