And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
