You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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