you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
sarcasm needs its own font
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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