How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize