Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
