Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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