how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
