She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
