The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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