I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
