she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
