im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
