upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Floor bacon is actually really good
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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