So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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