haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
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