he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
