I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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