so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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