Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am available for nakedness
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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