Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize