either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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