just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
