It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
