The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
