just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
