Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
zippers are such a cool invention
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
