Tell her she can't have a vagina
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
