its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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