I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
