You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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