I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
