and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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