Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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