my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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