I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
