Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
