I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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