theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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