Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
