Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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