Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
