Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
