you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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