I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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