I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
